Secret Underground Lair

Top 10 things NOT to carry with you in your utility belt.

This came up at a recent seminar and I thought it would be a good thing to share before you head out and enjoy your Halloween schemes. Here are some things to not bring.

1. A small carefully folded document that outlines all of your current evil plans, the location of your hidden lair, and all of your computer passwords.
2. Antacids. Yes, I know that some of the food you eat on the road can be rough on your lower intestine, but really, having Tums in your pocket is super-prison code for I’m your new girlfriend.
3. Easily ruptured atomic flame capsules. You’ll have to trust me on this one. It’s not a good idea.
4. Pez.
5. Another utility belt. Seriously, if you are that worried about losing your pants, then you need to reconsider a life of crime.
6. A copy of Catcher in the Rye.
7. Rice Crispy treats.
8. Your drivers license and social security card.
9. Fresh fruit, unless you have some type of smoothy power.
10. Prisoners or hostages that you have shrunk to the size of toy army men, held in plastic sandwich bags. Again, trust me, this gets messy.

That’s it for now, evil ones. Happy Halloween!

Posted on October 30th, 2008 by Destructo, Evil Genius
Filed under: Top 10 Lists | No Comments »

From the mailbag:

Dear Destructo,

I’m a fairly new to super-villainy and I’ve never had to deal with doing evil in a bad economy. I’ve noticed that many of the the jewelery stores I was planning to rob are going under, and stolen merchandise isn’t selling like it did only a few months ago. I subcontracted some of the work for my latest doomsday device, and the contractor is delaying the work because of the current credit crisis.

How do I make it through these tough times?

Sincerely,

Dr. Roark, Architect of Chaos

It is wise to remember that in villainy, when the going gets tough, the tough start blowing things up. You need to forget about petty larceny and start thinking big. Make some waves.

If you just can’t wrap your head around that right now, here are some tips on cutting back at your lair.

1. Steal in bulk. Hit one of those big lot stores for your commonly used items. You’ll save a ton on toilet paper alone, but don’t forget to grab some packs of beef jerky. They make great snacks when you are in another dimension.
2. Recycle. If you end up with dead henchmen after a firefight, then collect the bodies and turn them into zombie henchmen. I recommend Dark Overlord’s Zombie Juice. You can find it at GNC I think.
3. Save energy. Turn off half of the screens in your evil media chamber. I mean, let’s be honest, we can’t really look at all of those screens at the same time.
4. Sell old equipment. There are new villains out there that would love some of your discarded ray guns or even some of the spooky evil decorations that you might have sitting around. Sell them on evilBay.
5. Skip the Starbucks. Hey, home brewed coffee is fabulous. Get a good machine and steal some paper cups. You’ll never know the difference.

Don’t worry Dr. Roark, these hard times will pass. Soon the world will once again tremble before our giant robots and cower in fear as they face our mutated monsters from the deep.

Just as soon as the real estate market gets back on its feet.

Posted on October 23rd, 2008 by Destructo, Evil Genius
Filed under: Everyday Villainy | No Comments »

A few days ago, I wrote about my concerns regarding the children’s show, Yo Gabba Gabba, and how I was conducting a series of controlled experiments to determine if the show contains some form of subliminal mind control.

I analyzed the audio for any hidden sub-audio pulses, but found nothing. This is a crude method of subliminal influence that was pioneered by the French government in the early 50’s; however, in their earliest experiment that was designed to convince citizens to wear hats more often, a fluctuation in the lower band frequencies caused people to also smoke more and shave less. This method has fallen out of favor in the last twenty years because of the possibility of brown noise feedback. It’s pretty difficult to take even the mightiest army of mind-controlled minions seriously when they’ve just crapped their pants.

After three days of controlled observation of the test subjects who were shown episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba in four hour blocks, I had very little hard evidence of any type of hidden message or programming.

During day two, one of the participants, Tony Blair #023, mentioned to one of the other participants, Tony Blair #002, that he was confused as to the nature of the character played by DJ Lance. He could not decide if the character was meant to represent an alien child or some type of mischievous spirit inhabiting the body of a human being. I had him rushed into the medical unit, but the brain scan revealed nothing but an unnatural fondness for fish and chips and Anita Ekberg. I had him returned to his custodial duties and continued on with the remaining test subjects.

The final evaluations I received from the participants showed that they all agreed on the following:

• The guy that played Frodo in the Lord of the Rings movies doesn’t blink as often as a regular human being, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he is an alien or a robot.
• One of the creatures in Yo Gabba Gabba may be considered a homosexual in his species.

As strange as it is, the only conclusion I have reached is that Yo Gabba Gabba is just a really odd children’s show. It seems inconceivable that it is not part of an evil plot, but as far as I can tell, it’s just really really weird.

Please note that no clones of Tony Blair were injured in the examination process, and all participants were paid accordingly with deep fried cod and copies of La Dolce Vita.

Posted on September 18th, 2008 by Destructo, Evil Genius
Filed under: Evil Things | No Comments »

If you are unaware, Yo Gabba Gabba is this incredibly odd children’s show that’s been on television for a while now. It is, in fact, so amazingly bizarre that I was convinced from the first time I saw it that there was some type of evil subliminal mind control hidden within its programming, slowly twisting young minds to some kind of malevolent future mission of doom. Obviously, I was intrigued.

Using mass media as a form of mind control has been common in most forms of government and styles of villainy since the invention of the printing press. The most recent use of this type of broadcast manipulation was orchestrated by the United States government in order to make people forget about the television show, Trouble in Da’ House, which was a situation comedy starring comedian Tim Allen, who played a Congressman who become possessed by the disembodied spirit of a recently deceased hip-hop dancer. Without going into great detail, after seven episodes, this show had nearly destroyed the fabric of modern life and thrown the United States into near anarchy. I only remember because I was part of the team that was brought together to eradicate it from cultural memory. Trust me, you’re better off not knowing.

Moving back to Yo Gabba Gabba, I created a number of observation rooms where I placed a series of clones of former Prime Minister Tony Blair. (Since he’s now out of office, they act as my custodial staff in the sub-levels of Harmless Bunny Candy, Inc.) The subjects were given a standard battery of questions and then shown four hours of Yo Gabba Gabba, followed by another battery of tests.

The results of day one were inconclusive. The only incident of note was 155 minutes into the experiment when my pathetic lackey who was monitoring the equipment suddenly started screaming, “You are not of the body! Landru preserve me!” He was eventually brought down with a tazer and confined to his room.

I hope that day two will reveal more conclusive results.

Posted on September 16th, 2008 by Destructo, Evil Genius
Filed under: Evil Things | No Comments »